MY TOP 10 WORST MOVIES OF 2013

MY TOP 10 WORST MOVIES OF 2013

By:

G.P. Manalo

Yes, when there is greatness the worst will follow through. People say that my so-called “job” is great because I only sit down and watch movies (that are not for free) and blog about them, well it’s not – because I get to see shitty movies like the movies in this list.

Again, this is MY list, I’m not putting this movie in a pedestal and say “hey, these are the shittiest of the shittiest movies of 2013” if you want to disagree feel free because I would love to see the list that you think is better than mine.

Also, I have missed a few movies this year that are pretty much raved for being the worst of the worst like Paranoia, White House Down (I have a bad history with Roland Emmerich), Smurfs 2 (thank God), Getaway, Texas Chainsaw 3D (I heard the local cut of the film was terrible so I didn’t see it), I have seen After Earth but I slept in the middle of the movie and never had the energy to watch it again and other films that are much or as worse than that. I am fully aware that those movies that I mentioned are in the poster above this, but I only added them because of what I heard from the consensus. That being said, let’s go to the mentions.

These “honourable” mentions: I’m not saying that they’re good and cannot be in this list but what I meant for this is that they got “out-shitted” by the big 10.

15. Jobs

I was very hard on this movie at first, in a second viewing at a bus I was able to watch this movie again and I somehow appreciated this quite a bit though I still stand by most of the things I have said about this movie. The problem with this movie was that it focuses more on the negative side of Steve Jobs and it tries to tell EVERYTHING (and I mean EVERYTHING). Most of the things they brought up were either rushed or half-assed metaphors and it was a pretty lazy summary for the early days of both Steve Jobs and the Apple Company. The saving grace were the performances by Josh Gad and Ashton Kutcher but in the end there’s nothing much good to say about that movie other than that.

14. Carrie

I know I gave this movie a fresh rating, but really this is just another example of a re-make gone wrong but not as horrible as most people say that Texas Chainsaw 3D is. As much as I love Chloe Moretz (as in like, LOVE) she along with the movie itself didn’t really offer anything new as a re-make slash re-imagining but the special effects that did result to some fun scenes with it, I know I praised the bullying allegory but after a second viewing of the film I thought that that could’ve been handled a little bit better especially when they are in the modern era. Still, like the other mentions in this list, this was out-shitted by an even worse horror re-make we had this year.

13. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

Another movie that I gave a fairly -  decent review.  In my review (or atleast in any comedy movie I have reviewed) I have pointed out that I love comedies, I love it when comedies made me laugh, but this movie did not do that job really well as a comedy even though you have big comedic stars like Steve Carrell, Steve Buscemi, and Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey was the funniest of the bunch, but unfortunately he was in the movie for only a fraction of the film. Even if I said in my review that this movie had a great moral lesson to tell and a third act that somehow made it all up the movie could’ve been like that all throughout but instead we were given a very mediocre comedy.

12. 21 and Over

Another movie that I had a somewhat better experience in a second viewing, this movie is funny for the most part. But in reality, this movie was just scene after scene of meeting weird people after weird people and at the same time doing weird things, though it did its best Van Wilder impression pretty well (but that’s not saying much). Th

   11. Pain and Gain           

                                                                       

    

I rented this movie for the hell of it, when I rented it and saw Michael Bay’s name on it and seeing stars like Marky Mark and Dwayne Johnson I was like “yeah, this is gonna be like the old Michael Bay where it is just fun action popcorn flicks like The Rock and Armageddon, but instead this was pretty much an offensive movie.

Learning the history about it of the real criminals based on this, it is offensive that they take such a serious topic like this and turn it into a popcorn flick but worst of all, a joke. They have killed families and people who they believe are bad guys and they just treat those things like a joke. Even if the movie did have great action scenes and an (somehow) enjoyable enough comedic tone, I just can’t take it out of my system that this movie fetishizes violence being done by these real life criminals and that’s bad (that was my best Heisenberg pun).

THE ACTUAL TOP 10 LIST:

10. Planes

I hated this movie so much that in my review I made it sound like it was gonna be in my top 5. But let’s get real here, this movie wasn’t meant for me, it’s meant for brainless children or at least children in general. Like what I said in my review, this was more of a commercial for toys (since the toys for Pixar’s Cars made more than 2 million worldwide), it goes by the numbers of all the underdog movie clichés and instead comes out as a prime example of mediocrity. Disney, I’ve expected better from you after these 3 years.

                                                       9.    Battle of the Year

We get another underdog movie that is going by the numbers, but this movie... Is a fucking checklist. I know that I haven’t been knocking the Step Up movies for the past two movies; the Step Up movies has that self-aware element that adds fun for the past two movies and they did offer something new but this movie doesn’t. The film was trying hard to be original (there were a couple of elements that felt different enough), but still plays by the numbers of every underdog film. The film had some real actors, but they were pretty much asleep in this movie. They had some fun dance sequences, but it wasn’t enough to actually carry this movie.

                             7.    R.I.P.D. - Rest In Peace Department

In a year of superhero movies where we have movies that divides the opinions of Iron Man, Thor, and Superman fans. I’m pretty sure we can all agree that R.I.P.D. was pretty much a terrible film. The film is pretty much doing a bad knock-off of Men In Black, even though they have a unique enough concept that they have in the comics. R.I.P.D. was nothing special at all to avoid the comparisons between this and Men in Black, it has terrible chemistry of the two leads. Jeff Bridges character was fun for a while until his novelty white boy version of Bill Cosby died down, Ryan Reynolds was generic as always and Kevin Bacon was asleep throughout the movie. We had a tough enough year for comic book movies, this movie made it worse.

                                    6.    Percy Potter and the Chamber of Monsters

I’m a huge Percy Jackson fan, I place the books near and dear to my heart along with other series like Harry Potter and the Ender series. As I read the books I never thought that they would be made into movies but I could totally see them as a good Nickelodeon (or at least Disney XD) animated series. This adaptation was just terrible. People have been comparing this to the Harry Potter series, and I can see why despite the fact that the book is so much different than that series. The movies are just a cash grab to get that Harry Potter money, everything about this movie is uninteresting and so does the world they built and I never felt attached for the characters. As a fan, I’m saddened by this, and I do hope that a Titan’s Curse adaptation would turn things around if they do it right this time.

6.    The Lone Ranger

Like what Tonto said in the movie, the Lone Ranger should’ve stayed dead. Disney did their best to preserve this relic but really all their efforts just went to shit. At first I doubted that Lone Ranger would do successfully because The Lone Ranger is already lost and forgotten, the only people who remember the Lone Ranger could either be dead or people who are old . Like most live-action Disney films we have for the past years, it is very long (as in like – 2 ½ hours) and in those 2 ½ hours they try to tell a lot of stories that results to utter convolution, and very boring characters. Johnny Depp and Armie Hammer wasted their potential and did their worst performance in their careers.

5. Generic Bruce Willis Action Movie

(a.k.a. A Good Day to Live Free and Die Harder With a Vengeance)

Nope, not gonna call this movie a “Die Hard” movie. The Die Hard films shows that it is not the typical action flick unlike Schwarzenneger and Stallone back in the day. Instead this movie is a cartoon than it is a Die Hard film. This movie was so bad, it made Die Hard 4.0 look like a damn masterpiece. The film tries to be that good ol’ buddy cop film or at least a father and son bonding vacation movie but the bad chemistry between Bruce Willis (who is clearly phoning it in) and his son was so terribly written there wasn’t much going for it. People would be like, well dude?! It has great action, NO! it’s just Bruce Willis and some guy shooting through people and crashing through cars without getting hurt.

    4.  Grown Ups 2

I’m still kicking myself for ever thinking that this movie would have that old Adam Sandler feel but it wasn’t. Instead it was scene after scene of “hey, look at how fat this guy is”, “hey, a Deer is pissing on Adam Sandler, Isn’t that funny?!”, “hey, look at that guy’s butt – let’s all laugh”.  Rob Schneider himself even said that the last one was so terrible he didn’t join in for the second one…. Yeah, Rob freakin’ Schneider said that…..

                                                                         3. The Host

It’s Twilight with Aliens….. Need I say more? Ok fine, this year we had a lot of mediocre Young Adult adaptations (or should I call them – The Twilight Clones) and some are most similar to the Twilight series.  The movie had a lot of world building and it even had an intriguing concept as well but then the movie shifted drastically because of the romantic tone between an alien and a human for a girl who is both those traits. As the tone shifted it became such a boring movie that made me cringe all throughout. Like every adaptation of a Stephanie Meyers novel, it is packed with boring characters that spews love quotes (that feel like they were written by teenagers) and stare at each other. 

                                             2. Scary Movie V and A Haunted House (A Tie)

The parody movies are dying down very slowly for the past years but this just put the last nail in the coffin. Like the other Scary Movies in the series along with other movies by Friedberg and Seltzer (around Date Movie) now with the Wayans Brothers still go through the same flaw and it is that they beat you in the head with all these movie and pop culture references every 10 seconds that were popular for the past 6 years. Most of the jokes here are pretty much dated, they put out slapstick jokes that would be funny 70 years ago, farts and shit jokes that would have an applause by a four year old, heck, Scary Movie V even shoe horned Charlie Sheen for us to remember the time when he was funny two years ago. This movie was just sad, but not as sad as number one spot.

                                                     1. Movie 43

I still thank God for my friend for treating me to this movie because it would be terrible that I paid for this movie. This movie was just one big embarrassing scandal for these celebrities, a large percentage of the cast are great acotrs and some of them won Oscars or nominated for one, but also this movie was just a movie packed with failed Saturday Night Live sketches. I’m pretty sure the director and screenwriters got this from the trash cans of SNL writers. Scene after scene of this movie that were juvenile jokes like having balls on Hugh Jackman’s neck, Halle Barry dipping her fake breasts on some sort of sauce, Emma Stone giving a guinea pig a handjob, Chloe Moretz having her period and they made a never ending joke about it (note: I’m not making this shit up, these things happened in the movie), and they expect a cheap laugh from us. It tries to be self-aware that “yeah, we’re making a bad movie and we expect you to like it” but It wasn’t that “it’s so bad, it’s good” type of movie but it was just so bad it made me want to jump off a cliff type of movie. My friend were just facepalming and looking at each other the entire time (he even said sorry), hell there was never one laugh or chuckle from the audience - that’s how terrible this movie is.

*inhales deeply* - *exhales* alright…. Well thanks a lot for reading this post, in fact thanks a lot for the 5000+ views this year, I know it’s not much but I really appreciate that. It has been a year and the site will be improved soon with news, more articles, and more writers (hopefully). Again, Thanks again for a great 2013, may you and your family and friends have a great new years and hopefully the coming years will have a better movie season for us all.